Browsing Tag


Rebel Disciple

"Black and White" Bitch

April 28, 2016

I used to live in a world with no gray. There was only black and white, right and wrong and there was no in between. There were no hard decisions. It was simply a decision to do what was right or to do what was wrong. The Bible backed up everything I said and believed just like the Pharisees with the law. Take or leave it, that was the way it was and if you didn’t like, well I’m sorry, not sorry.

I was a “black and white” bitch.

But that was before I mentored a young woman caught in prostitution. That was before I gave thought to the situation that drove her to sell her body. Abandoned as a child. Brought up in a place that preached Christianity but demonstrated something else. Told she was beautiful by men. She enjoyed the attention that she never received from a father she never knew. Parties and clubs, dancing and drinking, men and sex. Then one night a man didn’t listen to her no. Told not a soul but planted a thought if men are going to take it, I might as well get paid for it. Encouraged by older women trapped in the same lifestyle. And before she knew it so was she.
I was a “black and white” bitch.
But that was before I sat in front of a single mom considering abortion. How could anyone consider such an atrocity, I used to think. Until I listened to this mom. She already had two children. She loved them dearly but she and her man weren’t married and so she was burdened with the responsibility of making sure her children survived. Things had been tight. But she had just gotten a job interview for better job. If she told them she was pregnant, she was sure to not get the job. She was conflicted because in her heart of hearts, she wanted to keep this baby but she already had two mouths to feed. She couldn’t add number three. And in her culture, placing a child for adoption was unacceptable.
I was a “black and white” bitch.
But that was before I went to church with a man who questioned his identity. Did he like women or maybe men? Sickened by his own questions. These were questions he didn’t want to ask. But something had happened when he was just a boy. A man he had trusted violated him. Sexually abused. Broken. But silent. No healing had come because as a man you don’t speak of these issues. No one wants to talk about boys being abused. As if for some reason, it’s their fault. And he felt maybe it was. He went to church. He wanted freedom. But when’s the last time you heard abuse talked about in church? Alcohol became his healer instead but really, not.
I was a “black and white” bitch.
But that was before I watched my friend fight cancer harder than anyone I knew. She prayed all the right prayers. She had faith. She believed God would heal her here on earth. She had the purest motive to want her healing. According to every faith teachers’ theology she should have been healed. If not, maybe it was her fault. Maybe there was sin in her life. Maybe a curse or could it have been generational? People wanted answers. But in the end all she wanted was peace.
I used to be a “black and white” bitch but as I get older, I feel God softening my heart. He is showing me that sometimes it’s not just black and white. Sometimes there is a past full of hurt and pain. Sometimes we simply live in a broken world where no answers seem to come. Sometimes instead of a desire to be right and point out the wrong in someone else’s life, God wants me to drop my stone, kneel beside them and see them. To really see the person. Not the issues but the person. Because when I see the person, I can begin to truly love the person. When I see the person, I can see that I’m not so different. Because I see the person, I can be reminded that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. His love is what changed me, not His judgement. His love is what will change hearts and minds and give people the courage to “go and sin no more.”
Today I am broken. My heart is hurting. Because as Christians many of us are becoming like the Pharisees. We want to shout the loudest about sin. We want post comments on Facebook that we would never say to someone in person. We want to say we’re doing it for the good of those caught in sin. And we are forgetting. We are forgetting that our sin did the same as their sin. Our sin separated us from the Father God. Our sin cost Jesus His very life.
So friends, don’t walk the same road as I did. Don’t be a “black and white” bitch. Ask God to allow you to see people as He sees them. Ask Him to move your heart with compassion for those around us. Ask Him to break your heart with what breaks His. And my friends, He will. He will.
P.S. I used to be the girl who would never consider using a cuss word in the title of a blog I wrote but go on and admit it, you clicked on the blog link because you thought, “Gasp! Emilee just used a cuss word!”