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disillusionment

Growth Journey Life Missionary Life

Disillusionment.

August 22, 2017

If I had one word to describe this year, it would be “disillusionment.” It’s been like being handed a cup of steaming wonderful smelling coffee only to take a great big sip and find out it has no sugar! (To you weird people who like sugar-free coffee, just forget the analogy.)

But it’s true. I have no other word to describe this year but disillusionment. The truth is I thought I knew but I have realized I really didn’t know at all. And it seems to apply to almost everything in my life…

Marriage

Honduras

Ministry

Friends

Culture

Okay, like I said, basically everything.

But if I had to tell you what I’ve been most disillusioned by would be pieces of the culture in Honduras. Now listen, I’ve been coming to Honduras since I was 16. I’ve lived here at different times and honestly considered myself more immersed in the culture than most expats. (If you’d like to call that arrogance, go ahead…there’s probably some truth to it.) But I’ve realized something since marrying my muchacho. Before when I would come to Honduras as a single woman, I had the luxury of drawing lines in how far I would go with the culture. If there was something I didn’t wish to do or even God-forbid, didn’t wish see, I had the luxury, yes the luxury of turning back, of saying no. But now the culture lives in the house with me and there is no running from it. Now there’s only learning from it.

And let me tell you, there’s a lot to learn.

This country has many intricate problems. Where one may easily stand on the outside looking and say “Why don’t they change this or that?”, standing in it, you began to see such black and white solutions are really not available. Oh how we wish there were but the simple truth is there is not. There’s “un monton” (a load) of superstitions and strange beliefs and witchcraft. There’s drugs and violence and gangs. And really in my completely simple (and quite possibly, wrong) opinion, I believe these two things impact the country like nothing else. Honestly it has surprised me how much so…

B.E. (Before Ever) when I would come to Honduras, I lived in a bubble. Oh yes, I heard people talk about the drug problem. I heard of people going to visit brujos (witch doctors). But I never NEVER realized the impact.

Now I realize how normal and totally accepted it is for someone who is sick to go visit a witch doctor. No one thinks a thing about it. It is culturally accepted, even if you are Catholic and often times, even if you are an Evangelical Christian.

Just this last week, a young lady who we had been praying for and was showing much improvement was taken to a witch doctor by her parents. They paid top dollar–money that they did not have but found (or borrowed) to visit this “really good witch/healer.” Afterwards, this young lady quickly began to go downhill. She died Monday and all I can say is how much I absolutely HATE the devil and his evil schemes. The parents of this sweet girl thought they were doing the best for her. They were desperate.

The word says “My people perish for a lack of knowledge…” 

I felt like saw those words come to life this past week and it truly saddens my heart. Oh how I long for this family to know Jesus. To know His freedom. To know they don’t have to pay for His gift of salvation.

But it’s not just this family. It’s families all over Honduras, rich and poor alike. They visit these witches in hopes to cure a terminal illness or to fight a curse from another witch or to bless their home or business or to create a special potion for love. And friends, it’s big business. These witch doctors make bank.

This darkness covers the land and it brings great sadness to my heart but I am having to remind myself…

          “This battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers              of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  Ephesians 6:12

Every day I see how much more real this spiritual battle is than I ever thought.

And that’s just the witchcraft. That doesn’t even touch the drug problem.

Oh yes, I knew there was a drug problem here in Honduras. How can you not? But I had no idea how it impacts each and every person in Honduras. No one is exempt. I have come to believe based on conversations I have each and every day that every person in Honduras knows at least one person killed in this drug war. Yes, I called it a war and that’s exactly what it is.

There are barrios in the larger cities that if you don’t know someone there, you don’t dare step foot for fear of losing your life. The drug lords or as they are referred to here the “narcos” run this country. They are in the government, the police, the businesses, the neighborhoods, the prisons, even your pretty little “housewives” parties.

I could not understand why so many Hondurans walked with such fear but then I began to have my eyes opened. And now, I understand.

You hear stories of 8-year olds picking up arms and joining gangs–babies, y’all, joining this crazy war. Business owners are forced to pay “war taxes” to the gangs so they can continue their businesses. Oh and if you don’t or if you try to stand up to them, it’s almost guaranteed that they will be reporting your death on the evening news. Drugs are trafficked through Honduras and moved onto the next country to reach its final destination. Anybody want to take any guesses where that final destination may be? If you guessed the US, you’re absolutely correct.

And again it breaks my heart. That the people of my home country are trying so desperately to fill the empty spaces in their hearts with anything but what it truly craves (Jesus) and in return are causing not just hundreds of deaths but thousands.

Y’all, do you realize that if the war in this country that is stealing the lives of so many young men and women would essentially be over if the United States stopped consuming drugs? Yeah, I know, not likely but all the more reason to pray to God for Him to bring revival to the people of the US too. The sin of the US is killing those in other countries too. It doesn’t just hurt the person using. Don’t allow yourself to believe that lie. And if you’re using, don’t buy the lie that your habit only affects you. Mentira! (Lie!)

You may be reading this and think “Wow, thanks, Emilee, for this super uplifting blog post…”

And all I can say is “Awww…you get it! You get exactly how I’ve felt for the last eight months since saying yes to God to make Honduras my home. You get it!” You get the depressed days. The confused days. The sad days. The days I just want to get on a plane and go cry to my mommy.

Now I hope you’ll get this too.

Yeah, I’ve been disillusioned. I’ve lived in a fairy tale land where things were bad but you know, over there, not near me. I lived in my safe little world ignoring all that was around me. Ignoring the cries for help. Ignoring the cries for prayer.

Friends, why would I sit down and write a blog about all this negativity? Well, the answer is simple.

I need you.

I need you to pray. I may be foolish but I believe things can change. You know why? Because I believe in the transforming power of Jesus Christ.

Listen, economic development can make some changes but it can’t transform. Education can make some changes but it can’t transform. Rehabilitation can make some changes but it can’t transform. Government can make some changes but it can’t transform.

The only one who can transform lives and thus a country is Jesus Christ.

Yes, Jesus!

So I need you to pray. Pray for Honduras. Pray for the Christians of this country that they will stand for Christ culture and not just intertwine Jesus with the cultural norms. Pray for men to stand up and say I will stand for Jesus and all that means. Pray for freedom from sin. Pray for the USA. Pray for men and women to repent and turn back to Jesus. Pray for freedom from drug addiction. Pray for revival to steal across the nation and for the drug trade to dry up with it. (I know, but we can pray BIG, y’all!)

Pray, my friends, pray. Stop playing games with Jesus. Get serious. Let others see Him in you. Who the heck cares if they ever know your name?! Let Him transform your life so you can show others that He can transform theirs too.

Sometimes we have to be disillusioned so we can see fully the desperate need for Jesus.

And that is exactly what my disillusionment has done for me.

 

Growth Journey Life

I ain’t no pioneer woman.

May 5, 2017

Growing up every Saturday night at 8 pm, you could find me seated in front television watching my favorite show—Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Oh it was my favorite! I remember one Saturday the electricity had gone out due to a storm and I pleaded and prayed to God that Grady EMC would be successful in correcting the problem in time for Dr. Quinn. 


She was my hero. I already had a fascination with the “olden days” and had always said I wanted to live “back then.” Dr. Quinn just fueled that desire.

When I started going to Honduras, I felt like I had found my frontier world I had always longed for. Sometimes it meant washing clothes by hand or fixing a barbed wire fence or collecting eggs from the chickens and I loved it! 

But you know, our fantasies and dreams are usually seen through rose-colored glasses. After a while, washing clothes by hand isn’t as exciting as we thought was. It’s just hard work. 


As my dream world has become my own, I have realized once again our dreams don’t always go exactly like we think they should…

All the years I asked God why He didn’t have me live in the “olden days,” I wasn’t seeing all the hardships those pioneer women faced. 

Heck, just saying good-bye to my mama until the end of the year and I about can’t stand it. Imagine these pioneer women saying good-bye to their mamas knowing they would most likely never see them again. I don’t think I could have done it. I can tell you this:

I ain’t no pioneer woman!

But isn’t that like anything we put on a peddlestool in our mind’s eye. 

“Oh, if I could just do this, I would be happy.”

“If I just lived in a different place, I’d be content.”

“When [you fill in the blank] finally happens, life will be good.”

Oh, how foolish we are. 

If we are not finding contentment right where God has us planted for that season, we won’t find in the next either. Because the next season we anticipated so will hold its own struggles and disillusionments. 

Paul said “I have found the secret to be content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

My frontier world I for so long anticipated being my own is not glamorous. It’s life. It’s hard work. Over the last few months, I’ve learned the truth of this Dr. Quinn quote:

“I came to the Colorado territory to be a pioneer doctor but was quickly becoming just a pioneer.”

I know, I know—you’re sick of the Dr. Quinn analogies but I could totally relate to this quote just as most of us probably can.

“I came to the Honduras frontier to be a pioneer missionary but was quickly becoming just a pioneer.”

Maybe yours goes something like this…

“I came to be a Godly wife but quickly was becoming just a wife (and not a good one at that.)”

Okay, that one was mine too!


Every new season brings with it a time of disillusionment and even disappointment as we realize it didn’t match what we always dreamt it would. It is in those times when the disillusionment begins to fall away, that then more than ever we need to know our foundation is in Jesus. Our identity in Christ alone. Because it is through Christ’s strength we find contentment in every season.

I have realized I ain’t no pioneer woman but I am woman who wants to forge ahead in knowing Christ more deeply and intimately. I do want to blaze the trails that lead me back to the truths in His Word. 

Sometimes realizing what we are not reveals to us who we are—our true identity. An identity rooted in Him and who He says we are. Sometimes realizing what do not need reveals to us the foundation we need. A foundation firm in Christ. Sometimes realizing the disillusionments of our dreams allows to us to see the very One who will never disappoint but instead draw us near and show us the way in which He would have us walk. 

And that is in Him.