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Growth Journey Missionary Life

Resting in Home

November 15, 2017

As I write this post, I sit in the middle of a food court surrounded by people who look slightly different than I do all speaking a language that is not my native tongue. But today I don’t feel like a fish out of water but rather someone who is at home.

Most days I am the only pale face in the group. Sometimes I get lots of stares especially in places I’ve never been. It can be a little unnerving. But it can also be hilarious.

Sunday night, as we sat around a table eating fish for our Christmas dinner with the artisans, I realized how at home I felt.

Do you know how beautiful of a feeling that is?

It may be one of the most wonderful feelings in the world—belonging. Knowing right here in this moment right where you are is where you belong. I’ve struggled so long with that. I’m sure I’ll struggle with it again in the future but today I’m resting in this peace of coming home.

Resting in the peace that home looks different for us all. Resting in the fact that for some of us, our moment is in the car pool line. Others in the office. Others in Honduras. But God uses each of our moments. Nothing is lost on Him.

Because there’s a mom in that car pool line that needs to know Jesus and you are the person to share Him, not the person in Honduras. There’s a client on the phone who needs prayer and you are the person to pray, not the mom. There’s a brother who needs a ride to the hospital over mountainous roads and you are the person to give that ride, not the person in the office. Our moments are beautiful. They are each needed and perfect.

They are where we belong because ultimately if we are seeking Him in genuine, we are in the center of His will. We are home.

In a few short hours, we’ll board a plane to the USA where we’ll be for the holidays. It will be a good time. A sweet time with family. But already in my heart of hearts, I know I’ll be ready to come home by the end of it, maybe before.

Because this, Honduras, is home now.

The truth is I’m not sure I would have dreamt this life for myself but our Father knows so much better than we do.

His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, His ways are higher than our own.

Some days we curl up in a ball crying for home but sometimes when morning comes we realize, we’re already there.

We’re already home.

Singleness

“Chronically Single”

December 8, 2014

I’ve never been at all motivated to talk about my “chronically single” status on any form of social media. Do I talk about my uncanny ability to not catch a guy with my sister friends? Yes. Do they get it? Some of them. Some of them do offer encouraging bits of advice and some of them are in the same boat and just “Amen” all my complaints/questions. And then some of them say stupid things like “Oh I get it, girl” when they were married at 19. I’m sorry but no, you do not get it.

Truthfully most of the time, I’m okay with being single (meaning I’m not a blubbering mess crying my eyes balls out waiting for a man.) Do I want a man? A resounding YES! But…I will never be that girl that shamelessly throws herself at a guy simply because I no longer want to be single. Not happening. I have too much respect for myself to make a fool out of myself. Some guys dig that but I don’t dig guys who dig that. And I’m never going to be that damsel in distress. My mama didn’t raise no dummie! I come from a line of very strong and independent women who never had the idea that we needed to be rescued by a man. The only man that ever rescued me was Jesus. And I’ll never be that girl to “lead” the relationship. I don’t want to wear the pants of the relationship. I like my dresses just fine. I want a man who will pursue me, who will not be afraid to point blank tell me he’s interested in me and ask me on a date. Maybe I’m old-fashioned. Maybe that’s not the way it happens anymore. But I’m not gonna lie, I’m a pretty strong-willed girl and I already have to make every decision about my life as it is; I don’t want to have to make every decision about a relationship too. If a man isn’t strong enough to lead, I don’t want to follow.

So you may read that last paragraph and say “Oh girl, I know why you still single.”, puff your lips out and shake your head back and forth in disapproval of my bluntness. And maybe it’s true. Maybe that’s why. So let me tell you the other side of this “chronically single” thing.

It hurts.

It hurts that at 28, I’ve never been in a real relationship. It hurts that I’ve not met a man who thought I was worth the pursuit. It hurts to celebrate every holiday alone. It hurts to long for someone who loves me enough that he’s willing to break through some of my hardness and care for me. It hurts that at every decision point, I wish I had someone to help me choose the best but I don’t. It hurts that after I post this, people will readily pass out judgement.

Christians will tell me I should be satisfied and contented at just where I am. And friends, whether it sounds like it or not, I am. But that doesn’t change this deep longing within me that God, Himself put there. God said it is not good that man/woman be alone. For years, I’ve been made to feel guilty when I expressed the desire to marry, that how dare me as a Christian not be satisfied with God alone during this “chronically single” season. That there was something not completed in me and for that reason God kept me single. Y’all, I’m calling BS! There is nothing impure/sinful/discontented about my desire to be married, to be loved and to love.

Some may say “maybe God’s chosen you to be single”. I’ve thought about this. Heck, when you’re 28 and have not one man you can say was a boyfriend, you have time to think about this. But here are my thoughts on that. God is our Father and He loves us with a love so BIG and GREAT we’ll never be able to fully comprehend. Would a Father who loves us that much taunt us with deep a heart desire that He has no intention of ever giving us? I could be wrong but I believe based on His character the answer is no.

I do believe that one day (and I do hope it’s soon!) that I’ll meet (or maybe I already know) a man who will love the Lord with all his heart and be willing to win my heart (even if it means a bit of a fight). I know me and I know I’m not the easiest person in the world. I don’t really recognize when a guy is trying to show me he’s interested. I make up every excuse in my mind about why he would be doing those things that show interest other than he’s interested and then usually by the time I do recognize he really was interested, he’s done trying. So whoever this man is that God has for me, well he’s got to have a little fight in him and/or be extremely direct.

My heart longs for him. Sometimes to the point it physically hurts. I long for the day we say I do but more so I long for the days after. The days we create a home together. The days that his dreams and my dreams become our dreams. The days that I can lean against his back and say I’m here for you and the days when he wraps me in his arms to let me know I’m not alone. The days I wake up looking into his face knowing he loves me fully. The days where we go pick out a Christmas tree together. The days I can introduce this man to my Honduras family. The days we excitedly prepare to welcome our little one. The days we pray together and serve the King together. Oh how I long for these days to come.

And they will. I trust my God that they will come. That he will come.

When that day happens, y’all better get ready. I’m going to be bragging on him all the time! Today, it’s one of those hard days when the longing is almost unbearable. Even still, I can look back over the years with gratitude for my “chronic singleness.” I’ve learned so much. I’ve done so much that maybe if I had of been married I wouldn’t have done. I’ve become a person who is better prepared to love another for a lifetime. The time has been hard but definitely not wasted. A wise woman once told me “God doesn’t waste anything.” He doesn’t.

And to my sweet man of God wherever the heck you are, I’m praying for you. And I already love you. –Your Wifey!

I have no idea who this good looking couple is but yes,
when I’m married I will wear a “Wifey” t-shirt!